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Well... I actually had to tag this as mature content because the first part is so horrible... Nothing sexual or gory, but all of the pain struck me as something that might be rather disturbing to some people. If it didn't resolve in the second part, I wouldn't have posted it. I really feel bad for the guy, pain and fear being his whole reality...
I really don't know what brought this on. I was letting my mind wander late at night, and it took me to a dark place. I would like to note right here and now that I am fine emotionally, and that nothing is wrong. Interpret it however you wish I suppose.
Attainant is a company (group, syndicate... whatever) that kidnapped children at very young ages in order to conduct genetic experimentation on them (in suitably crude forms, considering this is, vaguely, a fantasy story.) The children were brainwashed (magically), and indoctrinated with the belief that Attainant is the whole world, and the only thing that exists outside is the Place of the Dead, where the bodies of 'subjects' who did not survive are sent. They often whisper about the Place of the Dead, and, since they have no experience with much by the way of pleasure, the best of the rumors are built around such vague concepts as relief and rest; and the worst couple it with madness, because the mind is in a body that doesn't work any more.
The idea is a dark one, and it disturbs me a little to think about. To be honest, I don't believe I could have written it without the vague safety net of making it a fantasy where the main character isn't human. I've been using that little trick to explore a few delicate (controversial?) topics lately (namely racism and abortion, actually, but that story isn't ready to post yet) but if this one does explore any such area... then it'd probably be human trafficking, namely that of children. What is it like for those who are rescued, as Elix was? Do they have a concept of such things as love or compassion? How do they interpret gestures that are meant to be kind? How do they view their world?
I often ponder such things as I write, but I think it shows here more than it normally does.
On that note, I'd like to directly ask readers some questions, out of curiosity.
On a writerly level, what do y'all think? Does it close well? Should there be more? I toyed with the idea of having Sarah walk over and open a window, but I couldn't decide whether it should be daytime or nighttime... and I thought maybe it would be best just to let it drift into an ending there.
I have other scenes in mind, but maybe I'll let this one be.
How did it affect you emotionally?
On a deeper, philosophical level, what do you guys think? Does Elix seem believable in how he views things? What are your thoughts on the piece as a comment on real-world topics? What are your thoughts on those topics?
On a readerly level... What would you say to Elix if you were to meet him the next day? How should his rescuers go about rehabilitating him and the others? How do you think he will view a society where children have parents (and how deep that simple thought can delve...)?
What if some of the others snapped and went insane when they were told that, all that time while they were living in pain and hopelessness, there had been an outside world seperate from Attainant and its cruelty?
Not that I have answers to those questions myself... but I found them thought-provoking.
Anyway.... I've got Calculus in half an hour, so I guess I should be getting ready for that.
You guys keep on being awesome, ya' hear?
I'll try to whip up something a little lighter and brighter to post tonight, even if it's just a goofy little doodle or something.
(And just a little note: This is not the Elix I posted pics of. I just needed a name (and so did he) and Elix was all I could come up with.)
Story, etc (C) Cody Hilson.
I really don't know what brought this on. I was letting my mind wander late at night, and it took me to a dark place. I would like to note right here and now that I am fine emotionally, and that nothing is wrong. Interpret it however you wish I suppose.
Attainant is a company (group, syndicate... whatever) that kidnapped children at very young ages in order to conduct genetic experimentation on them (in suitably crude forms, considering this is, vaguely, a fantasy story.) The children were brainwashed (magically), and indoctrinated with the belief that Attainant is the whole world, and the only thing that exists outside is the Place of the Dead, where the bodies of 'subjects' who did not survive are sent. They often whisper about the Place of the Dead, and, since they have no experience with much by the way of pleasure, the best of the rumors are built around such vague concepts as relief and rest; and the worst couple it with madness, because the mind is in a body that doesn't work any more.
The idea is a dark one, and it disturbs me a little to think about. To be honest, I don't believe I could have written it without the vague safety net of making it a fantasy where the main character isn't human. I've been using that little trick to explore a few delicate (controversial?) topics lately (namely racism and abortion, actually, but that story isn't ready to post yet) but if this one does explore any such area... then it'd probably be human trafficking, namely that of children. What is it like for those who are rescued, as Elix was? Do they have a concept of such things as love or compassion? How do they interpret gestures that are meant to be kind? How do they view their world?
I often ponder such things as I write, but I think it shows here more than it normally does.
On that note, I'd like to directly ask readers some questions, out of curiosity.
On a writerly level, what do y'all think? Does it close well? Should there be more? I toyed with the idea of having Sarah walk over and open a window, but I couldn't decide whether it should be daytime or nighttime... and I thought maybe it would be best just to let it drift into an ending there.
I have other scenes in mind, but maybe I'll let this one be.
How did it affect you emotionally?
On a deeper, philosophical level, what do you guys think? Does Elix seem believable in how he views things? What are your thoughts on the piece as a comment on real-world topics? What are your thoughts on those topics?
On a readerly level... What would you say to Elix if you were to meet him the next day? How should his rescuers go about rehabilitating him and the others? How do you think he will view a society where children have parents (and how deep that simple thought can delve...)?
What if some of the others snapped and went insane when they were told that, all that time while they were living in pain and hopelessness, there had been an outside world seperate from Attainant and its cruelty?
Not that I have answers to those questions myself... but I found them thought-provoking.
Anyway.... I've got Calculus in half an hour, so I guess I should be getting ready for that.
You guys keep on being awesome, ya' hear?
I'll try to whip up something a little lighter and brighter to post tonight, even if it's just a goofy little doodle or something.
(And just a little note: This is not the Elix I posted pics of. I just needed a name (and so did he) and Elix was all I could come up with.)
Story, etc (C) Cody Hilson.
Mature
© 2015 - 2024 Feanor-the-Dragon
Comments8
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This came recommended to me by shehrozeameen, and after reading it, I can see why. Its dark tone reminds me a bit of what I've written in such stories as "Novus Umbra Seclorum," "Burn Baby Burn," and "Steel Your Heart."
I'll be honest...it took a few paragraphs for me to figure out that Elix was not human. Of course, I also didn't know anything about your writing style or your preferred characters/settings, and I tend to assume that characters are human. I also noticed that words, and their meanings, were a recurring theme in this story, as Elix struggled to comprehend that which was unfamiliar to him. I do take pity on Elix for only knowing a world of pain, suffering, and tortuous experimentation, and am not sure which hurt him more: the physical pain to which he was subjected as he was injected with needle after needle, or the dismal longing for death as being something to look forward to. Even if this is a fantasy story, it touches on some painful real-world topics that we all should be thinking about more often; otherwise, we're living in a prison of blissful ignorance, blind to what else exists in the world, much like Elix except viewed from the opposite side.
I agree with what's been said about sentence/thought structure. You certainly describe emotions like pain and confusion in detail, though the way those emotions were presented seemed very terse throughout. I feel it would've been more appropriate to use short, direct sentences during the first part of the story where Elix lacks the mental energy to think coherently about what's happening to him, and then longer, smoother-flowing sentences during the rising second half, where Elix is becoming more sure of himself and his surroundings. You yourself used words like "comforting" and "kind" to describe the recovery experience, and yet Elix's thoughts weren't as reflective of that as I was expecting.
I'll be honest...it took a few paragraphs for me to figure out that Elix was not human. Of course, I also didn't know anything about your writing style or your preferred characters/settings, and I tend to assume that characters are human. I also noticed that words, and their meanings, were a recurring theme in this story, as Elix struggled to comprehend that which was unfamiliar to him. I do take pity on Elix for only knowing a world of pain, suffering, and tortuous experimentation, and am not sure which hurt him more: the physical pain to which he was subjected as he was injected with needle after needle, or the dismal longing for death as being something to look forward to. Even if this is a fantasy story, it touches on some painful real-world topics that we all should be thinking about more often; otherwise, we're living in a prison of blissful ignorance, blind to what else exists in the world, much like Elix except viewed from the opposite side.
I agree with what's been said about sentence/thought structure. You certainly describe emotions like pain and confusion in detail, though the way those emotions were presented seemed very terse throughout. I feel it would've been more appropriate to use short, direct sentences during the first part of the story where Elix lacks the mental energy to think coherently about what's happening to him, and then longer, smoother-flowing sentences during the rising second half, where Elix is becoming more sure of himself and his surroundings. You yourself used words like "comforting" and "kind" to describe the recovery experience, and yet Elix's thoughts weren't as reflective of that as I was expecting.